For Vain and Valid Reasons...

G - Talk

2008-07-09T10:32:00.015+08:00

This is a little chat that I had with a friend over G-Talk yesterday. While everyone you meet for the day has this smile plastered on their face, there are secret worries hidden beyond. You know only when they talk.

3:00 PM Ally : Baby J i am so bored

Me : :)
why la

3:01 PM Ally : dono
my fren thinks i am going into depression

3:02 PM Me : could be
i think i am anyway ... sometimes...everyone does.

Ally : me oso..lonely, bored, no drive, unexcited, just wana sleep a lot

3:04 PM Me : u look it.
lol

Ally : eeyerr so bad wan u

3:04 PM Me : u look it ...go dye your hair red or something la...i wanna
go check out this lovely dress i saw on a website and i pray to god it looks nice on me and its affordable and importantly fits me.
grrrr
u know la...these things we see on the websites look nice only on models.

Ally : copy the design and get it custom made

Me : photoshop deceives too.
cannot la
its like a multiwear dress...can tie and wear it different ways.
cocktail dress
skirt
short dress
quite funky un.

Ally : must be exp

Me : i dont know...
i hope its lesser than RM200
or else i wont buy it
my most expensive dress is about RM500
i have expensive sarees tho...dont mind those.

Ally : wah

Me : grrrrr

Ally : i think my boredom is symptom of accident survival

Me : how is that?

Ally : first survivors feel extreme euphoria during recovery...then i think it slowly dawns on them the real effect..then they become depressed
i think so la

Me : well..
its like buying a dress too...
first you see it...you like it SO much.
then u pay and buy it.. and the excitement dies...reality hits.

Ally : lol

Me : material things never make u happy.
u got your life back...now thats something...cheer up bimbo...
i'll get u a cake when i come back later k.
what time ur going back?

3:18 PM Ally : i am not sure

3:19 PM Me : sure of what? going back or not?

Ally : ya i might sleep in ofis hahahha
no la

3:20 PM Me : ok, then no cake for you...go eat at Commons yourself.

Ally : i damn bored n blur
3:21 PM

Me : u need a vaca.
go on your own or with your bestest friend.
better your own.
clear your mind.
get inspired and come back.

Note: Ally miraculously survived a freak accident a few months ago.

The Old Tree

2008-07-04T13:40:00.007+08:00

I am telling you that the old tree across the street has got eyes, mouth, a pointy nose and lots of hair. It seems so real that it may quietly come to life when you're not looking.

Close your windows before you go to bed, I don't want the old tree to move over and peek at you while you are fast asleep on your naked ass or else I'll come over and chop that tree down for fire wood.

But I won't worry that much because there is a younger and cuter tree in your own lawn and the old tree might just decide to stick to its own kind.

Even then, close your window. You might just catch a cold and have a headache for the rest of the day.

Hair Matters

2008-03-25T13:46:00.011+08:00

I woke up one morning and felt my hair with my palms and geez, it was disturbing. I didn't even have to look at it. It was coarse, stringy, messy and brown - a perfect material for bird nesting. Well, I guess it's the price (besides the cold, hard cash) I pay for screwing it up each time I have a chemical treatment done.

In the last 10 years, I have done almost everything imaginable to my hair - coloured in brown, red, purple, gold, blue, orange, blond, small perms and frizzing it, iron-straightening, adopting a super-short cut and getting a hair extension.
I even attempted to go bald to start afresh but my hair stylist stopped me.

Min is Korean, working in a Japanese saloon near Bangsar.
He is tall and shy which adds to his boyish charm. He speaks English and he is also straight...hmm, I couldn't resist asking him just to be politically correct.
Anyway the thing I admire most about him is his respect for women's hair.
Over the years, I have met many stylists who have played a role in screwing up my hair. Most often, they would just be happy to snip away, colour it or do whatever I ask them to, without actually analysing the hair condition and advising me on what I can take and not.
See, this is where Min differs.

A typical appointment with him will include a good five minute of him feeling the hair with his palms while looking at you at the mirror (oh, he maintains that charming smile in the process!)
Then he'd ask what kind of cut/ style you're looking for before advising further on
the hair condition and cuts you can carry off. If you can't take a certain style, he'd suggest another that will flatter the face and natural hair texture.

He is also very concerned about snipping off inches. So when he does it, he'd ask you like a 10,000 times if the length was okay (he's a little paranoid about snipping off due to a personal experience)
If it was another stylist, it will be the case of you having the hair cut too short and mulling over it for at least the next 2 weeks till you get used to it.
With Min, after 2 weeks when your hair starts to grow out, you'd wish it had stayed in shape longer.

Anyway... yes.
Min talked me out of going bald and gave me a super short cut to start anew.
It was hot. I loved it to bits and so did everyone else who saw me.
But as always, when it grew out, I did things to it and soon it was back to square one.

After many past mistakes, I have now began to accept my hair in its natural form - no more chemical treatments, just hair dye every two months.
It feels weird but I am getting used to it.
:)

The Toddy and Bidi Diet

2008-03-25T12:45:00.017+08:00

Having lunch with Karr, Sharm and the rest is fun. There is always a new topic that catches our attention each time we get together. If it's not about the little lost missy then there are plenty of other stories from what we are working on, to politics in and out of the office.
At lunch today, Sharm was referring to Karr's constant intake of Black Coffee and Cigarettes as the typical journalist's diet. It's not all wrong. Most people here drink coffee like beer if I could measure it by jugs. Some buy them by paper-cup loads back to the office and savour it one at a time like it was some high-tea donuts. I don't drink that stuff - gives me a headache for a full 24 hours.

Going on with the conversation, Sharm said she wanted to take up the Supermodel's Diet of Champagne and Cigarettes :)

"They don't eat. Just drink champagne and smoke and when you do that everyday you can look like them," said Sharm who is not a supermodel material just like the rest of us.

But that would be expensive, wouldn't it? So I suggested that she could perhaps be easy on the pocket and try replacing champagne with toddy (palm wine) - the Toddy and Cigarette Diet plan is not too bad, is it? Or we could also work it out with some Tuak (rice wine) from East Malaysia. Ultimately the bang came from Ed. He proposed Bidi (small hand-rolled cigarettes manufactured in India) to Malboro Lights. An even budget friendly supermodel's diet - the Toddy and Bidi Diet.

And then we went on a spree, accessing other people's diets. Little lost missy's was the Sex and Cigarette Diet.

The Cupcake Diet was apparently for a typical housewife. Ed's was the Women and Cigarette Diet while Viv's was the Roast Pork and Black Coffee.

Finally mine was the Picky and Selective Diet. I wonder why.... there was an instant, collective agreement on that.

Beneath the Boss' Desk

2008-03-20T16:37:00.025+08:00

I was just telling someone today that I want to get really high on weeds, talk to old trees and and re-write history. Maybe they will have the real stories embedded in their ancient bark and branches. After all, how sure are we about history? Logically speaking, stories that go down the history books are written by the victorious regiment or person.

When there is a fight between A and B and say B wins and A dies, only B is around to tell his story by magnifying or elaborating it to flatter his ego and pamper his prominence. It would always be in favour of one party rather than giving a fair play to the actual scenario. We don't have to go far to the Roman times for this. Look at it now, right here in the present times - how stories are told with vital informations quiet or erased. Look at certain institutions - be it governmental or private. Look at the media. There are many stories that will die with certain individuals (and I know this for a fact) and never make it to the history books of our future generations.

Earlier today as I was busy playing my turn on Facebook's World Conquest my boss called me into his little cubicle. I pulled a chair and sat opposite him while he was talking to me about my story for the week. Same old, same old so I was feeding him on just the stuff he had wanted to hear and while at it I was also fiddling with my left earring. No, not in the come-hither kinda way but because I hardly ever wore earrings, my ear was itchy (I have very sensitive ears too by the way...hint...hint :)

The next thing I know the earring stopper rolled down my shoulder and camouflaged into the dotted carpet. Damn! It happened in the blink of an eye and I couldn't place where the transparent plastic stopper had landed. And that's like my favourite earring - a tiny, fake cat's eye that looks like a million dollar, both on and off me.
Besides this evening I am going for a wine dinner which is hosting Jarno Trulli - not that I am a fan but there will be plenty of accessorised, well-dressed people pretending to have travelled the world and knowing/ loving their wines. So a nice pair of earrings would do me some good among those fakes.

Back in the cubicle my boss was talking to me while penning down some information about my story. I was bent on my knees under the desk looking for the tiny rubber stopper, still talking to him.
Now picture this : Me, bent beneath the desk while the boss was seated and talking to me, all behind the walls of the seductive cubicle at the corner. How will it look like huh? Such comprising position.

After a while, he asked me what I was looking for and when I had told him, he was also on his knees looking for it. Now boss and I were both on the floor of the secluded cubicle. It was hardly a romantic sight but if the story is told with the vital informations dropped, then it has a very saucy structure to it that may attract many listeners.
And that would be history. It is that simple really.

I am not saying history is all a make-believe but just take it with a pack of salt.
Maybe Cleopatra wasn't that hot after all.

Electoral High

2008-03-09T00:52:00.027+08:00

Finally the 2008 general election is officially over with a simple majority by Barisan. Backed up by a whole load of issues from the rampant corruptions to the recent Bersih and Hindraf incidences, I think the TV and radio campaign ads really did it, opening the eyes and ears of the people in a way they never imagined it to be.

How ironic. Almost surreal even - which somehow reminded me of the Sang Kancil and Monyet story ( used to be aired on the national TV before Astro came into the picture).

The famous line of the Kancil is 'Jangan monyet, Jangan' but the Monyet persists to eat the twinkling chillies and he goes 'Saya nak juga!'. Then he goes ahead and eats the chillies and suffer the smokin' hot consequences. Lesson learnt - Don't be greedy and consider taking advice once in a while.

I was stationed at Batu for the period. It was a new place altogether for me and yet the dramatic shift of voters from Barisan to PKR was black and white. I felt it in the air and saw it in the faces of the people as I walked in and out of the area each day of the campaigning period.

I guess the Malaysian people have begun to grasp that their problem has gone way beyond the potholes, uncollected garbage and inefficient local councils. It was a good election and I am happy to be a part of it - I am still high from it. These are some election moments that I kind of liked.

I saw this aunty walk into the polling station and I thought she was cute. Clad in a loose Batik print home dress with a towel across one shoulder, she had her face freshly yellow with turmeric, a large pottu on her forehead and two equally large studs resting royally on her nose - she stood out.

(right) A sad-faced Minister despite winning his parlimentary seat. With him is wife.

(left) The petite 75-year-old was seated by the side of the road, nearby a Barisan campaign station, waiting for her transportation home after voting.

You know the joke about even goats will vote for Barisan?
:)

After the thunder and rain, finally a blue sky in the late evening - a ray of hope, perhaps for a fresh start.

Viv Va Voom

2008-03-08T16:17:00.006+08:00

NOT a bad picture huh? Grey-scaling is a fantastic cover-up for bad photography on my part. I took this photo using Chua's camera which was 'bigger than my face' as some put it.
It came out a little out of focus but with some clever cropping, the subject(s) surfaced just the way I wanted it to be ;)

This is Viv, my colleague who studied in the same university as I did. She is a year my senior. Five years ago, she joined the company a few months after I did. Ever since, we had been the typical hi-and-bye colleagues until recently when we sort of connected over a certain little lost missy.Hmm.Hmm.

There are two very noticeable things about Viv - hair and ass. She has plenty of dark, straight hair that hangs just below her bust line. With soft waves at the right places, Viv's hair is often a key feature of description for those who don't know her well.

"Hey who is that girl with a lot of hair huh?" I have been summoned a few times by some people. Sometimes Viv puts her crowing glory up in a messy bun while on most times she lets it hang loose over her shoulders and back. Either way it's nice.

The other day I was having tea with Karr when we agreed that we liked watching Viv's cute back when she is in front of us, walking or ... anything. See, when Viv walks, her hips walk, not the ass because when a person's ass starts to walk, it is not a very good sight. Come on, just think about it and you will know what I mean.

Needless to say with those assets, clothes hang nicely on her - of course with an added advantage of a graceful height. But being tall has its 'disadvantages'too. For those who think I am clumsy then Viv would head the Clumsy Club. She drops and knocks, trips and falls and mind you, it's 'not her fault' for being a little far from the centre of gravity.

Books, food and fashion are Viv's passion I can say. The woman plans what she is going to wear tomorrow today and utters the word 'Babi' just as much as she loves the meat. And she is a Beer girl too. How cool is that?? A true B all the way - always the Belle of the ball. We like and accept her in our little sisterhood.

But be warned. The girl has a curfew worse than Cinderella's. For the guys out there, take her out for dinner early and be sure to leave by 9pm or else don't dream on a second date.
She will have to be home to feed her dog, Cleo.
:)

Itchy and Ticklish

2008-03-06T23:24:00.012+08:00

My left palm is itchy.
I am trying to focus on writing just so that I can ignore my desperate urge to scratch the spot between the index finger and thumb. But it's so difficult to disregard it - it's like having a cup cake and not eat it.
So I bring my index, middle and ring fingers of my right hand to relieve my itchy tension but when I do that, it's ticklish.
I dont't know if I should laugh or cry.

That aside, they say an itchy left palm means having to spend more money. If it's the right palm then the money comes in. If your sole is itchy, you are meant for some travelling.

Whenever my eye twitches grandma tells me that I am going to meet someone. When I was younger I actually looked forward to meeting this mystery 'person' whom I always presumed was a boy. Unfortunately no boys knocked on the front door over the weekend and Johnny Depp never popped out of the TV.

Sneezing means someone is thinking about you :) But the thing is, for all your ignorance, you might just be catching the bug.
Nevertheless I like the idea...sort of draws a smile on my face instead of a frown knowing that someone out there is thinking of me - decently or otherwise.

"Someone is bad-mouthing me," mom says it each time she bites her tongue or lower lip while chewing on her food. It happens to her more often than it does to any one of us in the family.
Why? That got me thinking.
You see...mom has been using dentures for eternity and over the years she has had her share of bad and good dentures.

My guess is that when she is having a mouthful of food, she gets her allignments wrong (or whatever that keeps her chewing posture right), resulting in constant accidental biting of the tongue and lower lip. Besides, I think grandma is a more feasible target for bad-mouthers - for she is quite straight-forward with her thoughts that sometimes she forgets to filter them. That usually got her in misunderstandings with people who don't know her well enough to ignore or take her opinions in a positive way.
She means well though.

Now my entire palm is itching and I am also beginning to imagine an itchy sole and back. Perhaps it simply means it's time for me to head home for a hot shower with an anti-bacterial shower gel. Nothing more, nothing less.

The Caring Karr

2008-03-04T01:16:00.010+08:00

The first time I saw Karr in the office I was quite sceptical of her sexual orientation. Not that it should matter to me but she was majorly boyish.

Maybe it was the short hair and on-the-go kind of wardrobe and the 'lepak' outlook she had when she gathered with the boys for a smoke at the lobby.
But she also wore a mild blusher and lined her brows and spoke sweetly.
So I was confused.
Then one day, she turned up wearing a biased-cut skirt, a pretty top and a cute pair of pumps as opposed to her usual sneakers and I was like...ok, she has to be straight ;) It wasn't just her dressing that prompted that notion but by then I had also already known her to some extend.

Over the months that followed I learnt that her favourite phrases are - Bloody Shit and Oh Mother...(she usually leaves it hanging so sometimes I'd finish it for her). She also has the gift of falling 'in love' with some of the ministerial characters whom she meets during work...well, I guess in that area the entire desk has a share of our politcal and non-politcal crushes.

Like me she is always seen in the office, either working or simply online. But she also picks up desk calls that the rest choose to ignore and voluntarily helps in the filing work that we find a chore simply because she 'cannot stand the mess'.
Sometimes we just talk and the woman is deep-thinking in her analysis of situations and certain people. Rest assured she has her head on her shoulders. When she can, she also helps in with things - like how she had stood by me to bake those 100 muffins in 3 hours :)
I mean, Karr cares.

But Lord! On the road the woman is one of those who drives at 45km/h when the speed limit says 60km/h and it doesn't do justice to her Waja or Mercedes or the other drivers like me.
She calls it responsible driving. I call it traffic disruption.

Well..we like having her around. She adds to the colour and makes us laugh -like how it tickled me when she told me to mention her in my blog earlier.
;)

A Cranky Craving

2008-03-02T17:40:00.008+08:00

WHAT would women do without bitter-sweet Chocolates in times of crankiness? I would not hesitate to switch full time to the Vanilla cup cakes I've been stuffing my face with in the last few weeks.
My current favourite is Back To Basics from Chic Cupcakes. It's ridiculous to note just how much licking off the frosting would make me instantly happy on my no-one-loves-me days.
My saviour on cranky days...I love the mild butter-vanilla smell. The frosting, with a slight hint of caramel kind of melts in the mouth, very mischievously. Boy, the mere thought of it makes me smile.
Down below, the vanilla cake is also edible - certainly not the case of covering the face and banging the base.
I want one right now... :)

2008-03-02T17:35:00.001+08:00

Shopping Strays

2007-12-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

I found myself fast asleep by 8pm last night only to be rudely interrupted by the vibrating handphone. Mich texted to say that she was stopping by my place after her grocery shopping and she sounded exhausted from her first week at the new work place - I couldn't possibly turn her down. Apparently, the magazine life was not as glam as it sounded.

I, on the other end, was trying to figure out what I did wrong in my past lifetime to deserve this - it's a terrible thing to be up with a banging headache at 8.30pm. I was just about to be blessed with some sleep after many slumberless nights.

After the call, I tried to salvage what was left of my sleep but it didn't work. So I took a drive around the neighbourhood and once back home, I tried again but to no avail. Before long I gave up, took some pills for the headache and thought about the day that had passed.
And then I realised how much I had missed....shopping!

Shopping for real or just window shopping was a hobby until July this year when I spent much time attending to a work project that had kept me occupied till September.
So when I walked into the mall last evening (this time with no job attachments) it felt really good to find new line of things and products in the market, just to sit back at Starbucks and people watch and feel the Christmas mood with all that decors and activities.

I noticed Crocs has evolved from being the ugliest most comfortable footwear ever to actually having some real aesthetic values. I think I even saw pumps in suede!
The winter range make-up collections were in with all the glitter and glamour of the season. Shoes and more clothes were on sale too.

I also went up to the pet store and discovered the rabbits on sale. Initially I didn't know if I was upset or happy to note that they were selling for RM25 each. It was not RM25 the last time I checked. I guess I was a little irked by it - to see a discount tag on a possible pet. It's another thing if you discuss a discount.

Back down, Santa Claus and Santarina went around surprising the young ones and there were mistletoes up the walls and the jolly Christmas tunes filled the air. I walked the mall from end to end, just noticing stuff and making mental notes on Christmas gifts. By the end of the trip, I went home with a renewed zest to do more shopping strays. I guess there's always something new to observe about the market and people each time I am out there. Plus it puts me to sleep when I hit the bed.

Mich called again to say that she was arriving in 10 mins. By 10.30pm she was on my bed, complaning about the bad parking facilities and nasty working hours from 8am to 5pm.
Well, I totally understood - the newspaper life, generally, is glam in that sense.

In The Summer of 69

2007-12-05T16:21:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning with the sloppiest whiskey eyes ever, neither caused by the Royal Salute I had the night before nor the lack of it.
My active mind kept me awake almost all night long, so I texted another insomniac friend and we shared views on life and his current obsession with Peter Green.
Veng seemed to identify well with Green somehow.
I couldn't tell if it worried or pacified me in any way.

At 3am, I also sent a text to my boyfriend asking him to complete the sentence : 69 is.....
He was all weirded out of course but it was just a random thought and I wanted some creative input on the subject - just for the heck of it. I also sent the same message to other friends today and received some of the wackiest replies ever, which kept me from taking a nap on my keyboard at work.
:)
Anyway, the answer I got from him was 69 is a sex position or a highway route.
The idea behind that text/ message was to see how people reacted to it - how people viewed it, seriously or lightly. Just to see what lines people can come up with.

I guess this is the just beginning to the return of my sleeping problems.

Mother I'd Love to Fuck - MILF

2007-11-26T13:58:00.000+08:00

Earlier today I went to an event where 13 participants of the recently completed Mrs. World 2007 were paying a visit to this couture designer boutique.
Strapped in a rather trashy pair of shoes, Mrs. Malaysia played the ever friendly host as the beauties picked up free clothes for their charity deed in Malaysia.
Lam, the designer was very accomodating - he actually had clothes for all the international busts that had nursed, hips that had borne offsprings.
And I thought he only made clothes for the mannequins.
How shallow of me...

Then again, some of these Mrs. seemed like Missus - super slim, never-ending legs, boobs that could bounce back jelly beans. No signs of motherhood stress whatsover.
Mrs. Russia was one of those. At 26, she has 3 kids and a big career in journalism without the exhaustion of strech marks or the slouch of media rat race showing in any direction.
Or maybe it did but I certainly couldn't tell.
And then there was Mrs. Costa Rica. More quiet and subdued, looking like a girl in the prairies picking up daises. I bet she was younger than I am.
Another such kind was Mrs. Great Britain. She was like sugar and spice and every nice. Sweet.

Mrs. Pakistan is a story to tell. Married at 14, she is now a mother of three and at 23, she is a medical student living in the United States.
She confessed to have a strong family and a loving husband. At commercial face value, she may not have done justice to the Pakistani women in general but she was alright. I had many questions for her but time was a factor.

Mrs. America deserves a story too since she wears the crown. I did not actually speak to her but I overheard her speak to the others in the perfect tone of a reigning beauty queen. She is 30 - that's almost where I am now, and she has done like maybe 18 charity works in the last 6 months or so.
How exactly does it work - this charity when you are pretty?
Does it mean that rich people throw in fat cheques when they see skinny Miss Congeniality bend down to kiss a child with Downs?

Apart from them, there were the others - the other MILFs that I was more interested in. Unlike the earlier women, these were slighty older. Not all of them could perfectly camouflage their little signs of motherhood and test of time, but they had good skin, nice clothes and a smile with real creases.
They seemed more substantial which somehow shone through and made them appear a lot more sexier and appealing to me.
Mrs. South Africa (white lady) embodied the title quite well. Mrs. Kenya (black lady) was a hot mama and so were the others.
They may not be able to wake up, stretch a yawn and have their hair fall into place for perfection, but they are simply hot and resplendent in their unique ways.

I wish I had more time and space to talk to them about stuff, but Mrs. Malaysia with all her trashy shoes had other plans for them. Perhaps to stop and pick up horrible shoes to match their designer outfits for the weekend charity gala dinner.

My Blue-Eyed Boys

2007-11-25T09:13:00.000+08:00

Last night, I went to bed thinking of all the blue eyes I have seen and I must say two stood out above the rest.

David is a friend of a friend from the UK. I was introduced to him during a night out with a couple of friends.
He had the bluest of the blue eyes I had ever seen and when I looked at those classic shade I wasn't even beginning to have a crush on him although it may have seemed so.
In truth, I was simply in awe with those eyes.
Throughout the night, I stood, admiring the richness of the colour in itself and how one cannot transfer the glitter and glow of such intensity onto anything.
I think no modern technology could do that.
At the point I realised that some things are purely nature and you could do nothing to replicate it.
I don't remember how he looks like anymore but I'll always remember that shade of his eyes.

The other eyes that I remember were those of Bren. I met him on a cruise last year and his eyes were of the coolest blue hue ever like they were made of perfectly carved rocks of aquamarine - really clear but not quite like the ocean.
The blue was more watered down but they sort of possessed the translucent quality of the sky in its brightest, void of clouds.

I guess I must have been thinking so hard that by the time I slept it was already 3 in the morning. Two hours later, the alarm went off and I was up for a really early work...sheesh.
Paying for it now.

Blue's Blues

2007-11-24T22:14:00.000+08:00

What are your favourtie colours?
Lately I had been thinking of mine and suddenly I realised blue isn't one of them.
I am fine with the rest in the chart.

Ever since I was a kid, blue was never really my thing although I had the blue water bottle to school when my brother got the red or the pink one.
My first umbrella was blue too while my brother's was red.
Luckily for me, the lunch box was green.
And NO, my brother turned out straight, not gay although I do look at women occasionally ;)
I was in the blue team in sports all my school years and had a blue and white dress dress made by grandma for one birthday.
My uncle also bought me a blue and white dress for another birthday and for some reason, my dresses were mostly in the sad, blue shades.

I remember one Christmas, I wore this hideous blue dress with a thin bow at the back - the blue was in the shade of a hospital attendant's uniform.
My mom had picked it up after walking in and out of so many stores. And that's the best she could come up with? I swear to God never to dress my kid in a bad blue dress. I also disliked it when my mom 'blued' my white school shirts that they almost glowed in the dark.
What the heck, my school pinafore for 13 years was blue!! It was like I was doomed to have this colour in my life daily.
Seriously, I disliked the shade so much that sometimes it was liberating to see a red grade in the report cards.
Or to see the homeworks marked in red ink.

So why do I dislike this colour so much??
I don't really know...but I guess basically when I look at anything blue it does not make me happy.
It depresses me to look at blue things.
I only own one sweater in blue (and it's not like I even like it) but otherwise I have nothing in blue.
Blue is solemn, sad and artificial.
It also appears funereal to me.

But don't get me wrong...BLUE is a gorgeous colour in its own right.
It is the best colour for the skies and ocean and eyes of some people.
Nothing makes me happier than a clear, blue sky uninterrupted by smoky clouds. I am also always amazed of its reflection on the ocean and lakes - it reminds me of a large, sparkling blue sapphire or even an aquamarine.
And blue in the eyes is simply amazing. They are like marbles.
I must admit that sometimes I quite indiscriminately look into the eyes of those with blue irises. It is clear but deep and refreshing at the same time - sort of reminds me of those clear, deep-end of a lake or the sea where you can see the bed with all its amazing creatures but just when you think you could put your hand in there to grab that coral, you realise it's really very deep.
You can be fooled by those too.

What can I say...I guess blue for me is a colour best appreciated in its natural forms.

PS/ Why is porno also blue??

Sick Joke

2007-08-07T18:04:00.000+08:00

you know, its funny to go back and trace how i had been in the last few months -not much change actually but just sick and i mean physically.
i must have been complaning about all my bodily pains and tiredness so much to my colleagues.

few days ago when we were having tea, i was taking some medication when my colleague Ed asked why i was always sick?
...like it was a bad thing...um, well, it is but still...

"if you are not complaining about one of your dangerous neighbours then it must be some kind of pain somewhere in your body," he said.

everyone laughed and i thought to myself ...'yea man. i have been having so much of pain these days'. like it or not.

earlier today, while we were having breakfast, the topic of growing up came up and for some reason during the conversation i happen to tell my colleagues how i used to be the tallest in my class right up to standard 5 and how everyone else caught up with my height before they overtook me by ...ahem, many many CMs by now.

anyway, i also happen to tell them that in fact i was shorter a few cm now compared to those days.
to that, another colleague JJ said that probably with all the ailments i already have, my decline in height could be due to osteoporosis.

Thousand Apologies

2007-05-22T14:00:00.000+08:00

Thousand apologies.
I know I have been slacking on blogging of late. There just had been too much to do in terms of work and sorting out my life...well, mostly in terms of work.
There is a new column, my own which kicked off just two weeks ago and all the hard work was for it.
At one point, I was doing three features in two days.
God must have taken pity on me during the period because I managed to wrap them up on time considering the stress I was going through (Boobs may be aware of this).
It isn’t exactly my ‘dream’ column in which I can bitch about anything and everything but it is something I can focus on and perhaps over the weeks even learn to like it the way I am expected to embrace it.
For a person who dislikes museums and most things of the past, writing and researching on ‘dying traditions’ can be quite testing I suppose.
Then again, I don’t think it’s a bad idea after all.
I have got to start somewhere.

Anyway over weeks in stress and pressure of work (and sorting out my life)I have indulged in something new (to me), piercing.
Of course I had the normal piercing on both ears.
But I have added on two which run from the upper right lobe and there are two more on the lower lobe.
In total there are five on the right ear and one on the left so much so when I talk to people I tend to tilt my head to the right these days.
When they ask, I blame the mean-looking, heavy metals.
The pain? Call me sadistic but I kind of like that biting pain each time I touch those studs and rings (its still healing) or sleep on my hurting side.
Having said that, it can be disastrous too like when I attempted to air kiss May’s mom who was visiting us last week. Aunty meant the real thing and accidently banged onto the right side of my face – the blow felt forever.
Lucky for me, she used to be a nurse and has the habit of carrying with her every imaginable medication. So she gave me some kind of cream that eased the pain.

Also of late I had been quite unhappy. Again, work related and stress which I had created by simply being negative, lazy and disorganized. That can be quite depressing and so I started to think about what makes me happy and what I can do within my ability for some happiness. That’s when I decided to read a book given to me by Mich – its called Love Eternally by Deborah Wright. In the prologue of the book, I came across this para and I thought it was so beautifully captured in simple words.
Even as you read it, you could almost feel the flutter of happiness in the distance and be assured that you are capable of being happy if you make some effort to find a way to it.
Here's how it goes..

...what was wrong with trying to find more happiness in life? Because that was the point of life, surely? And happiness wasn't easy, was it? It didn't seem to be one of those things that floated about, looking for people to spill blessings on; you had to go looking for it, chase it like a butterfly and catch it in your palms. If you got clingy and squeezed too tight, you crushed it, but if you just closed your palms gently and let the butterfly breathe, it could stay fluttering for ever. Maybe.

It made me smile.
I think I should start by stop being lazy :)

Life Goes On

2007-04-24T16:53:00.000+08:00

Last Week's Events

My black American friend was walking in Bangsar on a hot day and he commented about the weather. He said " The Malaysian sun can even make a black man look tan".

My truck fell into a gutter the size of the tyre itself when I tried to avoid a fallen tree. It was just after a storm then. So I had to hire a tow truck to get the tyre out. It was an expensive affair. Sigh.

I was bored and decided to watch Paris Je'taime, a French movie set in the city of love revolving 40 love stories that probably lasted 5 to 10 minutes each. Gaaawd! I could not have been more bored. So I resorted to reading a book - a semi fiction by Frank Moorhouse that discussed the cultural history of Martinis. Now I have vowed to be a Martini drinker. I am already sourcing out for the 'proper' gin and vermouth for the matter...and I will have it strirred, not shaken :)

I noticed all the cats loitering at my apartment lobby are very well fed with healthy coatings and very pregnant. I mean, literally pregnant with babies in the belly, not just plain fat.

Creme Brulee

2007-04-18T20:07:00.000+08:00

Last night around this time, I was dining for a full 4 hours, just like how the Italians do.

Eat-Eat Talk-Talk-Talk Eat-Talk-Eat-Talk.

And the process repeated every 30 minutes.

There were also plenty of sips in between all that - some alcoholic beverages, including 'red wine for the lady, please' alternated with sparkling water.

By the end of the fourth hour, I was pregnant with pastas, seafood, meat and cheese.

Also by which time I had absolutely no space for the desserts and yet I managed to taste all four served and noted that the Creme Brulee was indeed orgasmic - standing in par with the numero uno in the city.

It was simply squisito. Yummy.

Creme Brulees are my favourite dessert in the whole wide world (Lemon Meringue is my second fav). I have, in the last 4 years, tried various recipes from different outlets in town, prepared by locals and foreign guest chefs.

From the hard, stale ones to the mediocre so-so preparations to the sort that evoke senses that you never knew existed before gently sliding down the throat, I have had my good and bad mouthful of the delightful dessert.
A classic creme brulee is easy, straighforward and a real dessert. The glazed sugar topping must be a crusty-golden-aromatic sheet that breaks crisply as the spoon digs in.

Now when the spoon digs deeper, it should slide smoothly but at the same time, it should not dive straight to the bottom of the bowl. That will be wobbly like some half boiled eggs.

But if the spoon sticks out right where you have left it, don't even bother trying it - defeats the purpose as texture is so important for a good brulee.

Hmm, I could use a Creme Brulee now with some Muscat wines.

You could do with some great coffee too.

Is the Brain grey or pink ?

2007-04-17T17:30:00.000+08:00

Been sitting in the office since 12 noon and could not get ANYTHING done since then.
Sigh.
After 10 days of leave, my brain does not seem to be adjusting to the cold, office environment anymore.

I have been staring at the press release for the last, god-knows 5 hours?
I mean it's a simple write-up on a newly refurbished 4-star hotel in the city (how much more interesting can it get for the first day at work!)
Geezz....really pathetic.

And the PC next to mine was going through some technical probs so it was freaking me out as it made noises like a fat man taking long, heavy breaths. I mean it was so real k.
So I turned it off.

We need new PCs here too. We are running on these black machines with the mouse like a huge soap bar...Can hardly move some of those too as the roller (mine) is coated with a layer of ...oh wait a minute, it is not even white anymore, its moulding green!
One sad PC does not even have a mouse.
Another one, when switched on, makes this LOUD shrieky noise it really messes up my thinking frequency. So irritaing.
And one does not have an Internet access.
The PC in the centre is DAMN slow you could have your lunch and it is logging on.
For me, any SNAILING tech, electric gadget, machines ..whatever contributes to stress!

Anyway in between all of that, I had a packed lunch and several drinks with different colleagues (I could be working at Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara and doing the same thing) but it is not helping to refresh my mind.
The minute I walk back into this freezer of an office, my brain freezes out - don't be surprised, some people here even wear winter clothings, yes knee-length boots included but no furs as yet.
I used to wear this very warm, oversized sweater that my dad got for me from a morning market in Ipoh for RM5 but someone has been using it when I am not, so the thing stinks.
Yes, I could wash it of course.
But lately I have been wearing my mother's beautiful shawls to work.
Diffrent colours and patterns. Well, it's good to promote her works as she also takes in oders.

So I have decided that I may need a new working environment...some place with a normal temperature that makes thinking possible (oh by the way, someone told me the brain is grey..I thought it was pink..Boobs, since you like extensive Internet surveys, maybe you can work on this for the weekend? hahaha).
Maybe like a Coffee Bean somewhere nice, perhaps at 1 Utama with a cool lap laptop like a Sony Vaio in Blue.
Sheesh...Now I have to invest in a cool laptop.

Scrabble

2007-04-17T14:22:00.000+08:00

I must say this is one of the most clever forwards I have gotten recently from a friend.
Maybe it's by a Scrabble genius.
Read on ... quite fun.
and Wait till you see the last one!

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale......

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Hahaha, afterall...maybe it's by a son-in-law with too much of time in his hands.

Life Goes On

2007-04-15T18:20:00.000+08:00

Last Week’s Events

My boyfriend was back! After 5 months, he was here for a week. And the week zoomed away so quickly and now he is back in Dubai.

In that one week, I consumed food that in normal circumstances would have lasted me for a month. So now it will be 2 months of careful eating to get my ups and downs balanced.

Met a boy who so loves soy milk so much so his mother who runs a sundry shop had to stop selling soy milk at her outlet.With soy milk you can bribe him for a smile, handshake and even get him to go to school!
When I was a kid, I bargained everything for chocolates and candies, not soy milk.

Concluded that Benson & Hedges was a hit in the 60s like how Dunhill is today among ‘heavy’ smokers. I visited some old uncles, who are well into their 60s and noticed they live by the Gaya-Mutu-Keunggulan of B&H.
Or is it just popular among veteran Indian men from Klang? Tell me.

Catty Thoughts

2007-04-05T12:51:00.001+08:00

"I smell so nice I could sleep with myself ". I thought to myself when I put on my Ralph Lauren Turqouise.

Often I have such thoughts that put a smile on my face. Small thoughts yes, but they go a long way in helping me to come up with ideas for my writing...anything.

Or to simply keep me day-dreaming - just like how I thought I had recently missed a rare (or more like non-existant) chance of becoming The Catwoman, possesing special powers and doing catwalks in leather suits.

And ah yes, the whip and diamond nails.

Purrfecto.

It all began while I was waiting at the carpark lift to my apartment on Wednesday.

I saw a girl playing with an attractive kitten - white, black, amber combination with eyes like flashlights.

It didn't take long for the kitty to run to me for attention, abandoning the girl for some reason.

Well, no big deal. Just an active kitty.

The lift opened and it followed me in, brushing its face against my jeans.

Grrrr...I asked the girl to hold on to it so that it didn't have to end up at my door step.

Well, the night passed.

The morning after I was getting ready to work when May (who came back much later that night) walked out of her room with the fur ball trailing behind her, meowing endlessly.

Gosh.

I paused from drawing the liner on my lid and looked at the kitty twice just to make sure I was seeing it in my house.

And when it saw me, it ran to me like it had found its master, meowing louder as it came closer.

When I attempted to shut my room door it was forcing its tiny head into the milimeters!

Me: What is IT doing here ! You shouldn't be picking up stray cats back home unless you're home yourself to care for it.

May: (cackling) I saw him near the lift. I kesian him la. He was in my bathroom last night (May got the masterbedroom with attached bathroom).

Me: Oh May, it's a female and keeping a cat is not like rearing fishes in the aquarium! You need to be there to feed it and clean the litter box everyday. Literally. Or else, the whole already-stinking place is going to be unbearable.

I certainly didn't think managing a cat was a good idea.

Not with May. She had an aquarium against my will many months ago and I ended up feeding the fishes for a whole month and most weeks thereafter.

You see, I am not crazy about fishes.

Anyway, the aquarium is still there with two scavengers that survived the electricity cut.

And last month, she added a couple of mini lobsters into it. They stink !!

May and I also don't share the same policy on pet neutering.

I am for it and she is against it.

And of course, not at where I live now.

Apartment and cats don't go well.

Plus I am not into fur-trimmed jeans and jackets.

Anyway, since it was there purring away we fed it milk and cookies but it would not touch them.

Instead it just wanted us to cuddle it.

And it followed ME all over the house.

Finally, when I left home for work I put the kitten where I had seen it the night before.

That was easy. Done.

And then I went on to tell the story to some friends at work.

On how I had found it and how it ended up in my house and how it had clung closely to me.

Oh my...what followed after made me think a lot.

Mich said maybe I was meant to keep the cat and April, Mark and Jasmin whom I had spoken too at different times, said the same thing.

"Maybe it was a message".

"Maybe it was good luck and you kicked it out" .

All sorts of comments and that's when I thought of a Catwoman.

Maybe I was going to die and and this cat was supposed to give me the breath of life and bless me with super powers!

Provided I kept it and ran late for work everyday while trying to maintain the house clean.

Silly me. That evening when I returned home, I actually looked for the feline.

Upstairs, downstairs.

In the rubbish room and carpark.

But it was no where in sight.

I mean, maybe someone took it - she was pretty alright.

But I couldn't help wondering if it had appeared that day just for me?

The Legend

2007-04-04T19:27:00.000+08:00

Oh Boy.

I thought I was a legend when it came to escaping traffic summonses.
For I have been, in the pass years (and months), stopped by policemen for all imaginable offences - 'reckless' driving, buzzing off stops, talking on the handphone, making illegal U-turns, not wearing seat belts, speeding, reckless parking...you name it.
But I have also managed to escape them all with no kopi money (bribe) simply by FLASHING....hahaha, the tag la.

But after what May told me yesterday...Rest assured, she holds the crown.
This woman was stopped for not wearing seat belt and talking on the handphone.
Matters took to a worse stand when she realised her driver's license and IC were tucked in a different bag at home (that's why I don't change handbags!).

So when the policeman asked her for the IC and she presented this photocopied IC of a Chinese girl (and God only knows how it got there).
Hahhahaha....and the dumbass officer asked her "How come you are ugly in the IC and pretty now?"
And she answered "I was younger then. I guess I have aged well".
And while she said it, she had to forcefully contort her facial muscles and make the chin portrude out because the girl in the photograph had a funny chin?
(Oh, btw, May is a model/ actress with a perfect face).

Done with that, another officer scanned her road tax on the screen and it showed that the car belonged to another person (which is May of course).
Then he asked her "Is this your car?" and she said "Yes".
And he told her "No, it belongs to a May".

Looking foolish and stunned now.
May didn't know they can trace owner's information through scanning?
Then she answered "Oh yes, sorry about that. It does belong to my friend. I am driving to send it back to her".

Then the officers looked suspiciously at her and asked if she was an actress and she denied it again.
And then ....tired of beating around the bush, the conversation between them took another turn.

Officer: You have made some serious offences. We need to have some kopi.

May: I don't see a coffee shop nearby, if not we can have some coffee.
(some serious gut here...)

Officer: Oh just give us some money, we'll have on our own.

May: But look. I only have RM20 (showing the wallet, skillfully hiding the RM300). So I give you RM10 and I need the rest for the tolls.

Officer: Ok la. Boleh lah.

Just RM10...and this woman lied about her personal information using someone else's photocopied IC, no license, talked on the handphone while driving without the seat belt.
Legendary isn't she.

And talk about police efficiency.
So much for the Bersih, Cekap, Amanah principle.

Life Goes On

2007-04-04T14:29:00.000+08:00

Last Week's Events

I received a press release on a chocolate promotion from a hotel.
It said The Swiss Chocolate is from Switzerland.
Met a Cat named Dog and he lives in a kick-boxing gym.
My electricity supply was cut off as we had forgotten to pay bills for 12 months.
Washed and waxed my Truck. He is a shiny new baby now. The last time was during Christmas.

Here is a list of questions posed by a friend to which I have my answers in bold.

Swam in the ocean? No freaking way...Dislike the idea of swimming among lobsters and shrimps.

Drank so much you threw up? I was thirsty and hungry and they served me champagne..how can u blame me…3 tall champagnes in 30 mins.

Paid for a meal with only coins? Oh yes. At McD drive thrus ...always holding the head high on that..it's still money.

Salad Dressing? Salads are for cows.

Played cops and robbers? ... With paper guns and water pistols, cowboy hats and rain coats with my brother...good ol times!

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? ... errr, Superman?

Been lost? During my first assignment as a reporter in the big city...went round n round the building till a driver pointed out I was at the correct building...i must have blushed badly since he was also cute.

Cried yourself to sleep? Many a times..monthly ritual.

Made prank phone calls? Are u kidding me? of course!

Written a letter to Santa Claus? Never. They freaked me out as a child. Anyone in costumes especially clowns terrify me till today.

How much do you love your job on a scale from 1-10? Maybe a 7..I need a column on my own to bitch about anything I want.

Favorite vacation spot? Anywhere and everywhere but NO museums and temples.

Ever stole traffic signs? Thats crazy!

Ever been in a car accident? Yes of course! I am a lady.

Favorite Store? Bobby Brown and La Senza.

What do you do when you are bored? Type sms.

I am a WILD ROSE

2007-03-28T17:18:00.000+08:00

Whoa, this is fun (thanks babe!).

It summarises me quite honestly, flatteringly and freakily too.

I am a Crab, Goat, Woodpecker, Wild Rose and an Apple Tree all at once.

Try it yourself..it's the Birthday Calculator.

http://www.paulsadowski.com/

Your date of conception was on or about 8 October 1978 which was a Sunday.

You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Cancer.
Your Life path number is 7.Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 4 & 22.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 3, 6, 8 & 11.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2444055.5.

The golden number for 1979 is 4.
The epact number for 1979 is 2.

The year 1979 was not a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/28/1979 and ending 2/15/1980.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Goat.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Woodpecker; your plant is Wild Rose.
You were born in the Egyptian month of Paopy, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).
Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 6 Tammuz 5739.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 7 Tammuz 5739.
The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.6.0.11 which is12 baktun 18 katun 6 tun 0 uinal 11 kin
The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Sunday, 5 Sha'ban 1399 (1399-8-5).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 15 April 1979.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 22 April 1979.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 28 February 1979.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 3 June 1979.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 10 June 1979.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 22 September 1979.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 12 April 1979.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 27 February 1979.

As of 3/28/2007 5:09:13 AM EDTYou are 27 years old.
You are 332 months old.
You are 1,447 weeks old.
You are 10,132 days old.
You are 243,173 hours old.
You are 14,590,389 minutes old.
You are 875,423,353 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Liv Tyler (1977)
Ruud Van Nistelrooy (1976)
Missy Elliott (1971)
Pamela Anderson (1967)
Princess Diana (1961)
Carl Lewis (1961)
Michelle Wright (1961)
Alan Ruck (1956)
Dan Aykroyd (1952)
Deborah Harry (1945)
Karen Black (1942)
Genevieve Bujold (1942)
Twyla Tharp (1941)
Jamie Farr (1934)
Jean Marsh (1934)
Leslie Caron (1931)
Olivia DeHavilland (1916)
Charles Laughton (1899)

Top songs of 1979
My Sharona by The Knack
Bad Girls by Donna Summer
Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart
Reunited by Peaches & Herb
Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes
Ring My Bell by Anita Ward
Babe by Styx
Too Much Heaven by Bee Gees

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.96555772994129 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)
There are 95 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 28 candles.
Those 28 candles produce 28 BTUs,or 7,056 calories of heat (that's only 7.0560 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.20 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1979 there were approximately 3.1 million births in the US.
In 1979 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1979 in the US there were approximately 2,152,662 marriages (10.1%) and 1,036,000 divorces (4.9%)
In 1979 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.
In 1979 the population of Australia was approximately 14,602,481.
In 1979 there were approximately 223,129 births in Australia.In 1979 in Australia there were approximately 104,396 marriages and 37,854 divorces.
In 1979 in Australia there were approximately 106,568 deaths.

Your birthstone is Ruby
The Mystical properties of Ruby
Ruby is said to open one's heart to love.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone.
(Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)Carnelian

Your birth tree is
Apple Tree, the Love
Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

There are 272 days till Christmas 2007!There are 285 days till Orthodox Christmas!The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waxing crescent.

Water

2007-03-21T18:09:00.000+08:00

Finally, I managed to catch WATER by Deepa Mehta last night.
My rating? A must-watch documentary fiction. The cast and the direction were excellent but what touched me most was the story and the subject explored.
It was sort of a personal reflection for me since I am of Indian ethnicity myself.
WATER is focused on how women in India become castaways in their own society when their husbands die. In case of child marriages, the girl is also doomed to wear white sack-cloth, shave her head bald and lead a widow's life at an age where she is supposed to be enjoying the luxury of childhood.
A widow is only given three options - to burn herself to death at her husband's funeral, to lead a chaste life of a widow or marry the younger brother of her deceased husband if the family allows it.
Watching it, I was thinking ..here i am at 28, unmarried, pursuing a career of my choice, living life the way I want it with no one to actually question me.
Had I been born at a different time and different place, I could have been Chuyia the child widow, or Kalyani the widow forced into prostitution or even any one of the old, senile ones from the movie.
I probably had just skipped a couple of generations to be where I am today and if my grandad did not board that ship to Singapore a century ago, where and how would I be today.
The thought fills me with fear and dismay.
WATER is something to reflect on.

Gay Thoughts

2007-03-20T16:47:00.000+08:00

WHEN friends asked me, who would I rather loose my man to - another man or woman? My answer was always another man. For some demented reasons, it gave me a personal satisfaction when no other woman could have him anyway. So giving him up to another man would just be accepting his true orientation. Most of all, I don't have to end up feeling so sorry for myself.

However after an introduction and long conversation with Eddie over the weekend, I'd rather have my man leave for another woman (although it may drill a hole in my heart if that happens but I will survive).

May's friend, Eddie, mid 20s, is a self-confessed narcissist, friend of women but lover of men.
He loves dancing and is a qualified engineer. He plans to do his Masters degree soon.
When he is around, it is difficult not to notice him for he is vocally and physically loud.
I gathered these on my first meeting with him.

But it was on the second meeting that we took off and began to be friends.
And it wasn't difficult at all. Eddie was very expressive and there was a sense of childlike-honesty in the way he related his stories. So we spend the whole Sunday talking about his gay and sex life which suddenly opened my eyes to the many risks and realities of his chosen path.

Not that I don't have any gay friends (or unaware of AIDS) but Eddie's story just made me see a lot of things in a new light.

He was sort-of molested by his male neighbour at 15. And by 18, Eddie was leading a full-fledged gay life. He met his various sex partners from the Chatroom and one-night-stands were a common culture.

In the past 10 years, he had been raped once - drugged and dragged to a room and gang-raped by 5 men.

"I saw images of men taking turns. But (there) was no pain la. They were small".

He laughed it off.

I was shocked for his lack of concern over the matter. Or maybe he was, but certainly I couldn't tell.

There were questions about protections and diseases forming in my head by then.

Eddie also confessed that one of his ex-boyfriends of two months had AIDS.

"I had sex with him twice in two months but it was with condoms," he claimed.

Again I was appalled beyond words when he related how he was immediately and easily comforted when he was declared clean after a check-up following that relationship.

But doesn't it take some years to show postive? Even with condoms, things can still go wrong.

Now Eddie is seeing someone new. Apparently, this guy, Marc loves him and they often have getaways together. Sometimes Marc drives all the way up north just to see him and returns to KL the next morning for work.

"I am quite touched by him but I can't expect much," confessed Eddie.

Marc, an expat in his mid 40s, is married with kids. He has not slept with his wife, Mina in the last 5 years and she thinks its impotence on his part.

"He had married out of societal pressure and also to 'cover up' for his sexuality.

"I told him to confront the matter before the children grow up and his wife deserves a chance to live her life too".

But, Eddie knows the choice lies in Marc's hands.

The sex life is another aspect. Sometimes when they are on E pills, Eddie said they can go on for days.

"We both get sore".

When this happens, Eddie sits awkwardly - shifts weight from one side of his body to another as not to pressure the bottom centre.

Of course, there are other risks of STDs, anal cancer, tearing in the anus..and so on. And the scariest being HIV/ AIDS.

So when my housemate and I discovered his camera (which he absent-mindedly left behind. and no, it is not a breach of trust, he'd love us to see it) holding rather shockingly intimate photographs of Marc and himself in 'action', I was speechless.

Well, already it looks quite gross between a man and a woman but nothing can be more disturbing than to see two men at it.

Of course, I've seen porn clips but this was personal as I knew the person involved.

But I did not judge him. I could not. And would not. Instead I had this concern and worry over him...his future. There were plenty of questions. I see him walking in a landmine..not knowing when he is going to step wrong.

What happens when he is older...many more Qs.

"I don't see what comes, I my life fullest each day. That's what matters to me". Eddie says.

In any case now, I'd rather my man turn to a woman (of course, I may attempt to kill him first before we part)... not a man anymore.

Tagged !!

2007-03-09T17:34:00.000+08:00

And I've been tagged by Saby.
This is far more difficult than I had imagined it to be since I do these so often that they have become normal.
Here are my six.

Cold, Red Watermelons

Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, I love to bite into cold, red (strictly red, no yellows or honey dews) watermelon if there is any in the fridge.
I just love the feeling in the mouth with all that juicy melon. Then I'd jump back into bed and continue sleeping. In the mornings, whoever opens the fridge will find a fat slice of half-eaten piece. I don't ever eat that half.

Chocs for Nuts

Whenever I walk pass a chocolate counter I cannot help but purchase an assorted nuts choc packet (not the bar but the round ones). Instead of popping the whole thing into the mouth, I'd remove the choc from the nut. The nut goes into the mouth and the choc out of the window. Hehehe, I know I could buy just the nuts, but maybe it's the hidden primal urgency in me to want to remove shell from nut. Nuts come shelled these days.

Drinking Water

I don't ever drink plain water in a mug or porcelain cup. It freaks me out for reasons I can't explain. Water must be drunk from a clear bottle (must not be coloured). Otherwise, in situations I am served water in a mug, I tend to count my sips and it doesn't pass three counts. The sips are usually small and calculated. Sometimes I even pretend to sip. But I am fine with juices and tea served in mugs.

Red Lights

At traffic light stops, I am always checking out other drivers parked around me. Just to check if I knew anybody and see what people do at the stops (trust me, some do funny things just when they think no one is watching). Sometimes I get back stares which I expertly ignore. And on very RARE times, I smile at those who seem not dangerous.

Mouth Open on Eyeliner

I tend to open my mouth and rest my inner wrist on the lower lip area whenever I apply eyeliner on my upper lids on both eyes. And I never talk to anyone while doing this.

Smile For The Day

Hahaha. Before I leave home each morning, I'll smile a few different smiles at the mirror to see which one suits me best for the day! ...Taking the make-up and clothes into consideration. Then when I return home , I'll check back the smile before winding down for the day. Just a weird habit.

Sleep - A Gift

2007-03-05T14:53:00.000+08:00

Here are some famous references made to Sleep, with my favourite being the first.

Come to me now! O, come! benignest sleep!
And fold me up, as evening doth a flower,
From my vain self, and vain things which have power
Upon my soul to make me smile or weep.
And when thou comest, oh, like Death be deep.
- Patrick Proctor Alexander -

O, Sleep! the certain knot of peace,
The baiting place of wit, the balm of woe,
The poor man's wealth, the prisoner's release,
Th' indifferent judge between the high and low.
- Sir Philip Sidney -

O magic sleep! O comfortable bird,
That broodest o'er the troubled sea of the mind
Till it is hush'd and smooth! O unconfined
Restraint! imprioned liberty! great key
To golden palaces.
- John Keats -

O sleep! It is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole!
To Mary Queen the praise be given!
She sent the gentle sleep from Heaven
That slid into my soul.
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge -

The short and sweet ....

Golden slumber kiss your eyes,
Smiles awake you when you rise.
- Thomas Dekker -

Sleep away the years, sleep away the pain,
Wake tommorow - a girl again.
- Hal Summers -

And these, how can I miss ....

The innocent sleep,
Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.
- William Shakespeare, Macbeth -

Fast asleep? It is no matter.
Enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber.
Thou hast no figures nor no fantasies
Which busy care draws in the brains of men;
Therefore thou sleep'st so sound.
- William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar -

Sleepless Nights

2007-03-03T16:37:00.000+08:00

my sleeping pattern has gone bonkers again!
i go on sleepless for about 2 to 3 days and then on the 3rd or 4th day, i have a blissful sleep.
really hard-earned.

i remember there was a time i was
Sleepless For 4 Days and Nights.
Straight Up.
my eyes and mind just REFUSED to shut.

on each dreadful night, i tossed and turned till i fell off bed.
then i got up to the loo and eventually switched on to surf the net (and oh, thats how i discovered silly sites like www.plentyoffish.com).
bored, i went downstairs to get something to drink and watched repeats of desperate housewives. otherwise it was CSI.
once done i went upstairs again and the cycle continued.
there was little i can do when the rest of the world around me was sleeping.
i was up by 9am and off to work.

the noons were the worst hours to pass.
my mind was practically asleep and a few times i sat through interviews without knowing my angle or worst, subjects.
my mind was a constant blur ball.
i had no thoughts...it was like ZZZZZZZZZZZZ although physically everything looked perfect.

but in the evenings, the energy level shot off the roof.
suddenly i was a hamster on a treadmill marathon.
it puzzles me till today.

when i saw the docs, they questioned if i was depressed over anything.
some asked if i was happy with my job, personal life..etc.
like i was a nut case?

'i am not depressed over anything doctor, except for the fact that i find it impossible to sleep.'
'THAT depresses me'

my usual honest answer.
easily, valium was prescribed.
one pill before bedtime and still i was wide awake throughout the night.
so on the 5th day i popped two instead.
what followed was just history.

my alarm was set for 10am as i had an interview at 11am.
but by freak of nature, i didnt hear the clock ring and when i woke up, it showed 2pm and there were about 10 missed calls on the phone!
I had slept for 14 Hours.
Straight Up.
geez, the worst thing? i couldnt remember what day it was and what appointment i had missed!
it was a big confusion.
state of total blurness.

so i called back a colleague who apparently had been trying furiously to reach me at about 11am and this was the conversation.

Me: what happened?! you called ah?

How: dont worry! i ve settled it for you.

Me: what?!!

How: you had an 11am appointment and they were looking for you. i was free so i covered up.

Me: oh my God! i didnt hear the alarm....thank you. thank you. thank you..SO sorry about that! i was pretty messed up..tell you later about it..owe you BIG time! see you in a bit.

How: no worries. i understand. see ya.

thank God for How!
i could have died without him.
such a darling...an ancient angel.

anyway, after the incident, i threw away the packet of valium.
although my insomnia still presists, i find other ways to lull myself to sleep.

sometimes i light up soothing rose scented incense.
or minty candles.
jasmine and lavendar are other options.
i also love a warm bath with L'occitane's Rose shower gel..really relaxes the mind.
massages help as well.
a nice wine dinner also gets me to slumberland in no time.
keeping the feet warm with stockings also soothes me.

these small tricks do help, but on some days i will still have to bear the pain of sleepless nights.

Whats Your Paradise?

2007-02-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

IN an effort to motivate yourself to do good and eventually make it into heaven, you need to imagine and picture your own little paradise.
That was the sub-topic from the subject of death at the Catholic conversion class last week.

(yes, death...because it exposes you to either hell or heaven and naturally we are taught to strive for the latter - always-think-positve policy applied here).
"Imagine your own personal heaven as the target to reach there and that should be the motivation," said the speaker.
She went on to speak about her version of heaven as my mind actively pictured the description.
There was the ever-friendly lion and plenty of butterflies occasionally resting on her feet.
And yes, there was a clean river flowing right through the city. Plenty of trees and children and happy people around too.
I thought it looked like a perfect picture of a paradise on a Jehovah's Witnesses christian booklet. But that's her imagination and it must mean a lot to her.

My grandma's version is very different though.
Hers is full of gold and precious gems. Roads, buildings and mountains should glitter.
Then she'd go for walks hand in hand with Jesus and they'd meet her father (my great grand dad that is) who would be living in another palace of precious stones.
Funny how she wants her castles in jewels when she doesn’t wear them on earth.
Her reason being she gets in heaven what she gives up on earth…OK, simple Ying and Yang balance there.

Another friend confessed her heaven would be of chocolates and love...yummy, sounds like a Valentine's Night full of wild passion eh...perhaps she may want to add champagne to that? ;)
Otherwise I am thinking of her sitting in a giant cup of chocolate sauce and 'feeling' love floating in pink bubbles all around her. If she wants more love, she'd prick into a bubble that creates other love bubbles.
Bubbling in love and chocolates does sound heavenly.

However I have not imagined how my heaven would be like…but I know for sure it should smell like the Thai Odyssey Massage Centre at One Utama shopping mall - lemon grassy and balmy with a cooling effect on the nose and mind as I take each breath.
My face should feel the soothing and warm morning sun as I wake up each day and relax in the cool breeze in the evenings.
My mouth should feel like I've just sprayed Ultrafresh cool mint breath spray and the nasal passage clear and easy at all times.
My feet should feel like they're relaxed in a tub of marbles and warm water scented by drops of pure rose oil.
And my hair should feel as light as feathers.
I'll keep these in mind, and start working towards my goal..slowly along the way, I think I'd know better of the heaven I want to be in and will start adding more detail to it.

Ouch...Ouch...

2007-02-24T17:32:00.000+08:00

Tummy ache. Sore throat. Leg Pain.

I am always hurting somewhere at any one given time.

And today, these are the assortment of physical pain I am enduring.

Leg pain from the foot massage, sore throat from too much of Shisha and tummy ache..apparently I have plenty of 'wind' in my body.
So the masseur pressed on the 'wind' buttons on the feet to unlock the 'wind' bubbles. Grrrr...so i am winding down burping all evening...not a good feeling at the moment, but I am supposed to feel much better later.

Let's hope so...

Another Fun Way To Chill Out

2007-02-21T11:41:00.000+08:00

I picked up something fun over the CNY, thanks to May and it's called Shisha smoking.
I mean, I had wanted Chinese, but all the restaurants were closed for the break, so when May suggested Middle Eastern, I went with it.
With all the good food, came the Shisha, which she ordered just so that I can try. It was apple-mint flavour.
The first few puffs were somewhat unforgetable. It was worse than 8 shots of tequila or a couple of Flaming Lamborghini.
But anytime BETTER than 3 glasses of Bellini in 30 mins ;)
It was like getting drunk and having the morning after hangover all at the same time.
My body felt weightless and I was bubbly with laughter but it also felt like there were little devils inside the head, hammering into my skull.
But unlike alcohol's longer-lasting effect, the heady state of euphoria acquired through shisha smoking is shortlived, which is a good thing because the hammering also stops.
And I totaly enjoyed the meat and bread after.
I'd say it was a good experience and two days later I tried it again with another friend at another place. We were on it for almost 2 hours and it was better than the first time.
:) Not bad afterall. Another fun way to chill out with friends now..

A Million Dollar Photograph

2007-02-20T00:07:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning thinking of a Anya Hindmarch (AH) photo bag - from Be A Bag campaign.
It was the second day of the Chinese New Year, I was sick and off from work.
The time was about 12 noon.
Getting off bed and getting ready to go anywhere weren't in the picture, so I let myself indulge further into the thought of owning one of those gorgeous bags.

Be A Bag campaign began as a three-month charity promotion in 2001 in which famous fashion icons from actors to popstars and journalists supported by supplying a treasured personal photograph.
The photographs were then transposed onto a stylish AH bag.
The idea was an immediate sensational success, mainly because the customade designs were personal to the owner and it also benefitted charities around the world.

I thought of a treasured photograph of my own.
It is one of myself as a six-month old, looking curiously at something, with eyes opened wide, cheeky smile plastered on the face, five tiny fingers clutching on my mom's index finger.
She was looking down at me from the sofa we were both seated on with a million-dollar smile.
I love the photograph mainly because it is about the only pic that shows physical bonding between mom and I...doesn't matter if I was just a baby then...but I truly feel a touch of endearment whenever I look at it.
Mom and I share a lot of things in common, like sugar and spice and everything nice, but we are definately not the hugging/ pecking sort.
Hence our photographs together are normally formal which is why the baby photograph is my treasured million dollar.
So when I searched the house for the photograph all noon and not find it, I was devasted.
Every unwanted photograph was there - of a dentist I hardly know, a relative I last saw two decades ago, a cousin who doesn't know me, EXCEPT for the one photograph I so madly want.

The evening passed with thoughts of all possible places I could have put the photograph.
What if I had slipped it into an envelope and put it among the old newspaper dump in my backseat?
By now, it could have been grinded into tiny pieces at a recycling centre somewhere.
Hope thinned and tears rolled. I could kick myself for being so careless with the photograph.
Then I called mom to ask her about the person who took the pic, never mind if it was almost 30 years ago!
Apparently, the uncle lives in Klang and is very much alive. He could still have the photograph buried somewhere.
As I mapped out my next plan to getting in touch with the old relative, there was a ray of hope again.

I dont remember the last time I saw anyone carry an AH bag, but as I was having dinner at Bangsar Village in the evening, I saw someone walk into the restaurant, carrying a gorgeous nappy bag.
It had a white base with an elegant photograph of a sunny beach site.
Maybe it's just a sign that I would find the missing photograph and eventually get the bag done for myself.